TO ERIC: In our mid-seventies, my wife and I are a white couple. At church and at work, we see many Black friends and acquaintances on a regular basis. Everyone is really friendly, and our discussions provide us with information about one another’s lives (friends, family, etc.).
We find it uncomfortable that we are frequently referred to as Miss Jane and Mr. John instead than just Jane and John. We are certain that every intention is polite. We hope it is only a matter of cultural mannerisms and detest the idea that there is a racial component. Even among people in our age range, we are unaware of this title formality between Black people. If discussing this issue would be offensive in any way, we don’t want to be impolite.
What do you think about this?
Unofficial Request
DEAR REQUEST: Asking others to use the name you feel most comfortable with is nothing to be ashamed about. For example, simply calling me John would mean a lot to me; it’s how I know we’re friends. Something like that, brief and nice.
I’m not sure if the formality is exclusive to your area, a certain subculture, or even your position within your society. or everything said above. However, if you’re observing that these honorifics aren’t used everywhere, it makes sense that you may eliminate them without being perceived as impolite.
Now, if your friends and acquaintances object, that’s your chance to respectfully delve a little more. Could you elaborate on why you would feel more at ease with Mr. John than with John? After then, pay attention to their opinions. It may help you understand how you are perceived and how you and your friends might better understand one another, even if you disagree with the logic.
Questions can be sent to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or by mail at P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Subscribe to his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com and follow him on Instagram.)
Tribune Content Agency, LLC in 2025.
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