TO ANNIE: Nearing my fortieth birthday, I am attempting to mend my connection with my father. He was my hero as a child, someone I looked up to and sought guidance from. He warned me when I was around ten that I would likely struggle to get along with him as a teenager but that things will improve as an adult.
As a teenager, I made a concerted effort to keep in touch with him, but nothing I did ever felt good enough. Even though he taught me a lot of valuable lessons, his harsh and frequently dismissive behavior caused me to struggle with anxiety and despair.
Now that I’m an adult and a father, I’ve gained confidence, learnt about limits, and stopped being a doormat. However, many of those old emotions still surface when you’re with him. He has grown more violent, moodier, and less accessible as he has aged. Although it is difficult, I want to show compassion since I can see how his unresolved childhood trauma has molded him.
I’ve been reaching out in an effort to create more wholesome communication methods. Although it has been gradual and uncertain, we have made some progress. I still feel like I’m hitting a brick wall despite my best efforts to communicate in a composed and courteous manner. How much more I can do is uncertain. I don’t think he would consent to counseling anymore, although he did consider it previously.
With my child in the picture and family get-togethers, I don’t want to interrupt him. However, I also don’t want to continue to feel so exhausted and ignored whenever we speak.
How can I maintain my connection without becoming less of who I am? — Making an effort to recover
DEAR TRYNG TO HEAL: It’s evident that you’ve put in a lot of emotional effort. It is fantastic that you have the patience, hope, and desire to get back in touch with your father. You obviously desire a relationship, not perfection, but love and respect for one another.
However, it’s also acceptable to acknowledge that he might never be able to meet you where you need him. His suffering might account for his actions, but that doesn’t lessen the reality of your hurt.
If it feels good, especially for your child, stay in touch, but keep your peace. Retiring emotionally is not a sign of failure. Setting limits is a loving gesture for both you and the partnership.
You’re trying your hardest. That’s sufficient.
For Annie Lane, send inquiries to [email protected].
Latest Advice Columns
-
Dear Abby: My friend is enabling her abusive alcoholic boyfriend
-
Miss Manners: What can I say to patients who argue with ME about the fees, doctor s office employee asks
-
Hints from Heloise: The benefits of pouring vinegar down the drain and more …
-
July 30 birthday horoscope and your daily astrology
-
Asking Eric: Sister gets short end of the stick from father s estate
