TO ANNIE: I’m 36 years old and have always been the friend that people turn to when they need emotional assistance. I truly care about others, so I don’t mind being there for them, but recently it’s getting to me.
For the past year, Julia, my closest friend, has been struggling in her marriage. When she’s had a breakdown, I’ve spent several hours on the phone with her, listening, giving advice, and even rearranging my schedule. I was initially honored that she had such faith in me. However, she never even heeds my counsel! If she won’t even listen, why is she coming to me for advice?
Additionally, the topic always comes back to her when I try to talk about something I’m having trouble with.
She follows up if I don’t reply to a message soon away. Every time my phone buzzes, I’ve started to get nervous. However, she became quiet and aloof when I recently made hints that I needed more space, and I felt bad right away.
Although I truly cherish this friendship, I’m simply worn out. How can I let Julia know that I need space without coming across as a burden or as leaving her? — Out of Tape in Tallahassee
DEAR TAPPED OUT: Although your compassion is a wonderful trait, it seems to be taken for granted. Something isn’t right if it seems like you’re the one giving without getting anything in return. Friendship is a two-way street.
You’ll need to express your feelings to her if she isn’t giving you any clues. Being a people-pleaser by nature, this could make you feel guilty. Setting limits is necessary if you wish to maintain this friendship, therefore keep in mind that it’s not selfish.
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For Annie Lane, send inquiries to [email protected].
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