TO ANNIE: Theresa, my 46-year-old daughter, has always aspired to become a doctor. When she was four years old and her sister was two and a half, I filed for divorce from her father. Her father declined to assist when it came time for college, and as a single mother, I was unable to cover the cost.
Determined, Theresa enlisted in the Army and worked full-time as a medical technician while earning two undergraduate degrees through the GI Bill. She subsequently used loans and grants to obtain her Master of Science. She married at this period and had a son who is currently seven years old. She submitted an application to medical school at 39 while pregnant. She paid for food, childcare, rent, and tuition with student loans. She took a year out from school to care for her twin kids, who were born a few years later.
Despite graduating last year, she currently owes more than $500,000 in student loans. Her husband, a medical tech as well, lost his job because he slept at work. He has no desire to advance in his profession. Since neither of them can afford to move out, they continue to live together in a rented home despite their separation and frequent arguments, fights, and profanity in front of the children.
They formerly had just $100 per month left over after using loan funds to pay for daycare and rent. There was only enough food for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches in the refrigerator when I visited them in Pennsylvania. I’ve handed her all of my savings since I’m retired. Social Security is my only source of income.
While she was at school, Theresa relied on her husband to be the only caregiver for the children, but he is a total failure at raising them—all day long, he would yell at them and play on his phone. During another visit, I stayed for five days so Theresa could take her board exams, and her husband only left his room to shower and eat. The children are unruly, eat poorly, and hurl food. His two children from his first marriage are not in contact with him. Theresa used a sperm donor to create their children following a failed vasectomy reversal, but he has officially adopted them.
Due to stress, financial difficulty, and car issues, Theresa’s residency in Pennsylvania was not renewed after her first year. She is now completing rotations and applying for new residencies that, if accepted, will begin the following year. Her husband, meanwhile, quit his job an hour away to be close to his serious girlfriend.
While Theresa finishes a rotation in Texas, I have kept the three children with me in Florida for the entire month. However, I am unable to keep them longer because of the regulations of my retirement community. When this month ends, I fear that the children will once more be under the control of their recalcitrant husband while their mother continues her rotations.
My daughter and her spouse have no money at all. He is really lazy and depressed. Despite her extreme stress, my daughter is determined to become an emergency room physician. What guidance would you provide us? How can we prevent the children from being further harmed by their father’s poor parenting? Grandma in Florida, worried
TO MY CONCERNED GRANDMA: Theresa is incredibly resilient. She continues to move forward in spite of everything, but she is exhausted both financially and emotionally. Neither she nor the children can sustain that.
Theresa ought to consult a family law lawyer if she hasn’t already. The welfare of the children must come first, and her husband is obviously not willing or able to be a father. She might be eligible for sliding-scale or free legal assistance. It’s crucial to formally separate and obtain a custody agreement for the children.
She ought to notify her residency adviser as well. There is likely more institutional help available than Theresa thinks, and she cannot be the only resident to experience extreme stress. Additionally, she is the type of resident that most programs would like to assist rather than let slip away due to unjust conditions.
You’ve gone above and above as a supportive mother and grandmother, and the fact that you desire to do more shows how much you care. Rather, assist your daughter in obtaining long-term financial, emotional, and legal assistance. She deserves a safe, stable, and loving home life, as do your grandchildren. She has demonstrated that she is resilient enough to face and overcome new challenges in order to escape this limbo.
For Annie Lane, send inquiries to [email protected].
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