TO ERIC: I found out my spouse was having an emotional affair with a coworker a few months ago. He chatted to her about our disagreements, asked her for guidance on how to conceal his alcohol usage from me, and shared important details with her that he didn’t tell me, all while she denigrated and spread hate against me. He also talked to her about private aspects of our sexual history, which I never agreed to have disclosed.
We recommitted to our relationship after having a number of traumatic talks about it. I requested that he stop communicating with her. Not out of control, but because I honestly questioned her motives and needed time to regain her trust. He acknowledged that he loved me more than he loved her.
After several months, I thought our marriage was stronger than ever—until I found out he hadn’t broken up with me at all. He was actually making a concerted effort to conceal it. When I challenged him, he claimed that asking him to break up with me went too far and that he never thought their relationship was improper. He had never stated that before.
I am inconsolable. My trust has been destroyed by his falsehoods, and I believe I am beginning to question our entire relationship because of his pattern of dishonesty. Furthermore, if his relationship with his coworker wasn’t physical before, I can’t get rid of the worry that it might be now.
However, a part of me questions if I was really wrong to ask him to end the connection in the first place and whether he is correct that I am exaggerating a straightforward relationship simply because she is a woman.
Dupe Me Twice
DEAR DUMB ME Twice: This has nothing to do with gender, in my opinion. And I don’t believe you’re mistaken. Rebuilding a good relationship is nearly impossible since your husband is changing the rules, which is unfair. I apologize that this is taking place.
Every relationship is different, and each couple is always figuring out what works for them. It is logical to assume that a husband would not divulge personal information to a colleague, particularly if he is keeping it from you. And asking for it to stop—which you did—is quite acceptable. And he concurred. It is his duty to speak first and then take action, but he is free to reconsider or change his mind at any time.
He, not you, caused the issue by failing to do so.
It’s critical to protect your physical and emotional well-being at this time. Please get tested if you think they are intimate. Don’t be scared to discuss your feelings with friends or loved ones. His dishonesty distorts reality, and you need clarity about him, the relationship, and your future—which might be better without him—right now.
Questions can be sent to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or by mail at P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Subscribe to his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com and follow him on Instagram.)
Tribune Content Agency, LLC in 2025.
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