TO ERIC: A woman who teaches a small group of people in her yard has been my yoga instructor for at least eight years. The majority of the students in the class get along well with me, but the teacher doesn’t seem to enjoy the way I joke about.
For instance, she once called me out in class, claiming that I resembled a woman’s mother practicing yoga in the 1970s. Just so you know, I’m ten years older than her, and she’s in her 50s. She also claimed that I resembled a Lilly Pulitzer model. I had on a plain top and bright lipstick that I would never wear again. I inquired naively who Lilly Pulitzer was, and it turns out that she thinks I look retro—but not in a good way.
I informed her and the others I’m friendly with a few weeks ago that I would no longer be going to the Saturday session.
Should I occasionally go back to class to see my friends? I don’t intend to reveal anything about this teacher. Even though I would kind of like to, I won’t bring it up because it doesn’t matter if they saw it.
Drama Downward
DEAR DOWNWARD: This type of needling is bad form, regardless of the instructor’s intentions. (Slightly pun intended.) It is in her best interest as a business owner (or community convener, if this is a free class) to make her clients feel welcome. She should also concentrate on creating an environment that allows pupils to practice in peace in her role as a yoga instructor. I hope she’s adjusting you politely and constructively, rather than making fun of your appearance, if she’s picking on you in class.
You were correct to depart, then. But it’s unfair that you have to make new friends and find a new class because of this person’s unwanted attention to you. After eight years, one would assume she would have moved past it. You should if you wish to come back occasionally.
But maybe start by reaching out to her to establish a new personal boundary in order to ease any possible concern. These remarks can be viewed by her as simply part of her manner. Perhaps she feels more at ease shooting from the hip because you’re in her yard. Telling her that you don’t like remarks about your appearance or anything unrelated to yoga is acceptable. Request that she make the change.
All of this comes with a warning: since this class is in the yard, there is no mechanism to elevate the request, and she might not be open to your suggestions. If so, think about asking your buddies to join you in a class somewhere else. I hope you’ll find the other yards and yoga classes to be calming and friendly.
***
TO ERIC: After asking him multiple times, I asked a few weeks ago whether he was being disrespectful to me by refusing to use his hearing aids. He took my letter seriously after I showed it to him. Our relationship has significantly improved since he started wearing them in places where I feel a difference, which was all I ever wanted.
Win-Win
DEAR WIN-WIN: For his sake and yours, I’m delighted to read this. Even while I enjoy getting letters from people, this update exemplifies a fantastic technique that anyone may use. Writing out your feelings or thoughts about a problem can be helpful at times. I usually only do it for myself so that I can think clearly when I’m speaking. I appreciate that you went above and beyond by using the letter as a springboard for a fruitful discussion with your friend. When faced with an issue, disagreement, or conflict, many of us find it difficult to find the correct words to say. It can be really beneficial to put it in writing and work from there.
Questions can be sent to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or by mail at P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Subscribe to his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com and follow him on Instagram.)
Tribune Content Agency, LLC in 2025.
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