TO ERIC: I’ve spent the majority of my twenties with my partner, and although I still adore him, I’m not sure if I still find him attractive.
He has ceased taking care of himself considerably in the past few years. I find it difficult to maintain my appeal as an extremely active and healthy person (I regularly lift weights, ride a bike, run marathons, etc.) when he doesn’t exercise, eats poorly, consumes hundreds of grams of sugar daily, and generally leads a very inactive lifestyle.
He has changed physically as a result of those things, and his body has changed from being in his 20s to being in his 30s. However, our shared lifestyle is also missing in that regard.
Am I being self-centered here? I want to think my boyfriend is handsome, but when I return from a 10-mile run and he is eating fried chicken and fries, I question whether this will ever change.
Girlfriend Stuck
TO MY GIRLFRIEND: Our values are reflected in the way we spend our time. Intimate connections are especially affected by this. Couples occasionally question why they’ve become so far from one another before realizing they never spend any time together. They are still in love, but love requires work.
Without passing judgment on your boyfriend’s actions or your own, it’s obvious that you two are missing some common ground. The physical attractiveness and disparate eating habits may be so prominent because of this lack of connection.
People will change, their bodies will change, and their lifestyles will change, as you point out. Effective communication maintains the context of those changes. Focus less on the no’s and more on the yeses while trying to figure out whether you’re still attracted to your lover.
What do you discuss? What activities do you enjoy doing together? What about him appeals to you? It can seem like he has no passions of his own because of his lack of enthusiasm for jogging, which is something you care about. Is that true, really?
Although the physical is vital, it is constantly evolving and linked to the mental and emotional. You could need to reintroduce yourselves to one another, or you might have outgrown one another. It is worthwhile to find out.
Questions can be sent to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or by mail at P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Subscribe to his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com and follow him on Instagram.)
Tribune Content Agency, LLC in 2025.
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