TO ANNIE: I’ve lived with my fiancée for four of the seven years that we’ve been together. She hopes to marry and start a family. I’ve made a commitment to pop the question every six months for the last three years, but I always back out when the time comes. Even though I went ring shopping, I was unable to make the purchase.
Even though I hope to marry and start a family someday, the thought of making such a commitment makes me so anxious that I can’t even breathe. She is overly devoted to her work, but I want us to see the globe before we get married. According to my family, I am too young to be married at age 27, and if I seek counseling now, before even putting out the proposal, things will only grow worse once we have children and a mortgage. According to my therapist, thinking about getting married should be joyful and exciting, yet all I feel is stuck. Although I enjoy living with her and I adore her, marrying her seems like a surefire way to end your life. She claims that because she is getting close to 30, I am dragging her along without a schedule, but I’m honest enough to admit that I can’t promise whether or not I’ll be ready. Should I make a five-year engagement proposal? — Getting Married or Not
DEAR WED: Do not propose or keep making promises to her that you do not intend to keep if the thought of marrying this woman is making you feel breathless and like your life is coming to an end. You two are obviously on entirely different pages—in separate books, even—and it would be unjust and probably disastrous for either of you to modify your views for the sake of the other.
You are at a standstill in your relationship. In addition to continuing your individual treatment, I would advise couples therapy to address your commitment concerns and determine whether there is a chance to create a future that you both look forward to. You need to determine how much of this is due to your affections for your girlfriend and how much is your general fear of commitment. Are all marriages, in your opinion, traps? Or would you feel trapped just if you were married to this woman? You can work things out with appropriate therapy.
***
TO ANNIE: I’m a man of 36 years old. A year ago, I left home to live with my now-ex-girlfriend. Although the relationship didn’t work out, I still love this little town and have a house here. I accepted a job and put in more than 76 hours a week.
I made the decision to see my family back home as I now have the chance to relax and take a vacation.
However, my dad made a mess. He has a lot of plans, including making the lengthy drive and spending just one night there. I interrupted it by stating that I wouldn’t have much time on this trip. He became irate and hung up on me after I stated that. He is now upset and tells my brother that he is finished because I don’t have time for him.
This trip was supposed to be an opportunity to escape stress, but instead it is making it worse, so I’m considering canceling it completely. Lone Wolf
Greetings, lone wolf Even if your dad means well, he has no idea how you want to unwind with your family after working so hard for the past year. From his point of view, he is so happy to see you that he wants to organize an exciting trip full of enjoyable activities and outings for you to enjoy as father and son.
Communication and expectation management are the keys to reducing stress in this situation. You only have so much time at home, and there are undoubtedly better ways to spend it than traveling everywhere for a single activity or excursion. Plan the schedule for your visit by giving your dad a call. Permit him to continue with one or two of his more ambitious goals and recommend that the remainder of the time be spent nearer to home. Reconnecting and spending time together, wherever that may be, is what really counts.
NOTE: The column above was first published in 2022.
For Annie Lane, send inquiries to [email protected].
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