TO ANNIE: I hope you have some advice for me because I like reading it.
People have always turned to me for help with their issues. I’ve been informed that I listen well, maybe as a result of my own therapy experience. I frequently recommend AA or treatment to others, particularly when addiction is at play.
I was raised in a violent, alcoholic household and have witnessed the devastation of lives caused by alcohol: friends who have passed away, a man who killed his girlfriend while intoxicated, and the spouse of my closest friend who was killed by a drunk driver. I dislike hearing more stories like these because I’ve worked hard to put those memories behind me.
Because of everything I’ve been through, I always tell people that I don’t enjoy drinking in the hopes that they will take that as a barrier. However, a lot of people still vent to me about their pain from drinking.
I no longer want to play the role of the listener. My friends are aware that I’m also taking care of a husband who has dementia, but they frequently want to spend hours discussing their own problems. I rarely receive the same level of comfort or compassion in return—just more help demands.
The next time that same insecure person wants me to hear another story about how drinking is wrecking their life, what should I say? — Pulled Down by Alcohol
DEAR DRAGGED DOWN: You have been a kind and understanding friend who has not only listened to others but also guided them to appropriate resources. You are the one you must help right now.
You’ve made an effort to establish boundaries, but your friends keep stepping over them. Tell them politely but firmly that I’ve had major alcohol problems in the past and that I’ve worked hard to get to where I am now the next time someone attempts to offload their baggage. I can’t have these kinds of conversations and switch the subject, even though I love and support you.
You have already done your fair share of listening, and you owe no one any further explanation. It’s time to pay attention to what you need in order to keep healing.
***
TO ANNIE: I want to relate something I was told years ago after reading the letter on dealing with in-laws.
Joan worked quietly in the stock area while I worked in a gift shop. She had several children, all of whom were married and had families, and she was a little older than the rest of us. I considered her to be a true saint because she never spoke negatively about anyone! She once told me, “I bite my tongue until it bleeds!” in response to my question about how she got along with her family.
That wisdom has been with me ever since! — Worried Mother
DEAR CONCERNED: I appreciate you sharing Joan’s advise; it’s definitely memorable, and it’s wise to know when to keep quiet.
But there can be a price for frequently biting your tongue. We run the danger of suppressing our anger, encouraging unhealthy conduct, or failing to establish necessary boundaries if we never voice our opinions.
The secret is balance. Using your voice when necessary is just as vital as exercising control and grace.
For Annie Lane, send inquiries to [email protected].
Latest Advice Columns
-
Dear Abby: My grandpa verbally expressed to me that he wants me to inherit all of his investments
-
Miss Manners: Is tapping a glass with a spoon an acceptable way to get a server s attention?
-
Hints from Heloise: I accidentally laundered my lip balm … how do I get spots out of my clothing?
-
Aug. 1 birthday horoscope and your daily astrology
-
Asking Eric: How do I tell my late wife s children I m not yet ready for visitors?, widower asks
