TO ANNIE: I’ve always thought of myself as someone who places a high importance on friendship. On paper, I have a lot of friends, but I’ve observed something that has begun to bother me. Almost always, it’s me who makes the initial contact. Days or even weeks pass in silence if I don’t make the first move to contact, text, or invite. Seldom does anyone stop by to inquire about my well-being.
Now that I’m 70, I’ve been experiencing loneliness more than ever in recent years. I still make an effort to be positive, devoted, and encouraging. I never claim to be flawless, I listen intently, and I laugh often. I am also able to discuss difficult topics. Nevertheless, I frequently feel alone in spite of everything. I wonder if there is something I am missing, even though I don’t feel like I am pushing people away.
It’s the same with my adult boys. Even though I adore them, they hardly ever get in touch with me unless there’s a good cause. Although I am aware that everyone is busy, I can’t get rid of the thought that it might take days for anyone to notice me if I vanished tomorrow.
I am attempting to make the most of this phase of my life, but I fear that time is passing too quickly and that I may not have the kind of connection I desire before it is over. Am I the only one that feels this way? Does this also happen to other people my age? Is there anything I can do differently, and more importantly? — In West Virginia, lonely
Greetings, lonely You’re not by yourself. Many people find themselves in the very situation you describe, particularly as they age. Families become busy, friendships change, and the phone somehow stops ringing unless you are the one making the call.
Give yourself credit first. You are displaying honesty, humor, and heart. That is no trivial matter. However, the reality is that relationships are reciprocal, so if you are always the one putting in the effort, it’s acceptable to stand back and see who notices. It can be illuminating as well as disheartening.
It could be time for a nice, open discussion with your adult boys. Express your longing for them. Clearly state the type of connection you are seeking. They might not be aware of their growing distance from one another.
Think about establishing new connections in the interim. Take a class, volunteer, join a local group, or pursue your passions. Starting where the energy is, which might not always be with the people you expected, is sometimes the best way to feel seen.
Even though time is passing quickly, new connections and meanings can still be made. You’re not invisible. You are important. Do not hesitate to politely but clearly remind the world of that.
For Annie Lane, send inquiries to [email protected].
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