TO ANNIE: I’ve always taken great satisfaction in being a good friend. I am the one who attends birthday celebrations, baby showers, weddings, and even moving days. I try to contact, check in, and send invitations, send kind words, and donate to friends’ fundraisers. To put it briefly, I’ve always been there when it counted.
However, my mother died three months ago, and none of my so-called friends attended her burial. No cards. Not a single blossom. No phone call at all. My church members, who I had hoped would at least provide some consolation, were utterly silent.
“Heartbroken” is not even close to describing how I feel. Never in my life have I felt so alone at a time when I really needed help. I’m 61 years old, and I know it’s difficult to make new friends at this age. Is this the new normal of friendship—so egocentric, so uncaring?
Why does it appear that compassion and fundamental human decency are no longer valued? — Experiencing Forgetting
Greetings, I feel forgotten. Let me start by expressing my sincere condolences for your mother’s passing. The sorrow of feeling abandoned by those you formerly thought of as friends is compounded to the already heavy burden of grief.
It’s perfectly acceptable for you to feel hurt. You didn’t have unrealistic expectations. They were founded on the same kind of loyalty and kindness you have always shown to other people. It seemed like a betrayal when that was not given back when you were at your most vulnerable. Not only is that disappointing. It’s devastating.
It’s possible that some of your friends were at a loss for words or thought you desired privacy. However, remaining silent in the face of sorrow is still quiet. Unfortunately, a lot of individuals in our day and age have become passive in their relationships, showing there for the celebrations but not for the suffering.
Don’t let your heart become hardened by their failure. Even if they can be more difficult to find at age 61, meaningful, reciprocal friendships are still attainable for you. There are genuine pals out there, frequently in unexpected settings and phases of life.
Over the years, you have sacrificed a lot of yourself. Maybe it’s time to focus that generosity on yourself. Get better. Think. When you’re ready, think about exposing yourself to new groups, bereavement support groups, volunteer work, or classes—where connection and kindness are still valued.
Don’t let the donkeys get you down, as Ann Landers once said. You simply need folks who are there for you when it matters. You are not alone.
For Annie Lane, send inquiries to [email protected].
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